Sounds Like a Bad Joke
by katiesgotagun
Summary: So a vampire, a witch, a werewolf, and a ghost walk into a bar- Discover why Adelaide uses a fake name, why she showed up in the hospital covered in blood, and where her addiction to caffeine began. Mitchell x OC (rated M for very mature scenes)
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! Just a warning, things happen reaaaally quickly during this chapter. It escalates pretty quickly but it'll calm down in the next chapter. **

**-Kate**

"NO!" A woman's voice shouted as she was being pulled away from a body on a gurney. "I'M A DOCTOR!" She shouted as she applied pressure to the bleeding man's wound.

Mitchell stopped waxing the floor and looked up to see a woman in a bloodstained white dress and a leather jacket running in bloody pumps next to a gurney. _Well that's not something you see everyday,_ he thought to himself.

Her hands were being pulled off of the man before she said fiercely, "This man's the only family I've got left. I need a quart of AB+ and a defibrillator STAT!" She shouted in her thick brogue as the body was rolled past Mitchell. He watched them go past for a second before continuing to wax the floor.

* * *

When the surgery was finished, the woman left her sleeping friend in ICU, needing to move around to dispel her anxiety. The woman stood in front of the snack bar and inhaled the scent of the stale brewed coffee deeply, craving the dark liquid.

"Need money?" a deep voice asked from behind her. She gasped and turned around quickly, meeting green eyes. She held a hand up to her heart as she bent over, taking a deep breath.

"Christ, laddy," she exclaimed while standing up straight, hand still on her heart. "Y'nearly killed me." She shook her head before meeting his eyes again.

"Mitchell," the man said while holding his hand out to shake.

"Rose." She replied with a false name before shaking his hand firmly.

"Hey, can I get two large coffees?" He asked the woman working the register after he let go of her hand.

"You don't need to do that." 'Rose' groaned as she placed a hand on her hip, glaring at the back of his head as he paid for the cheap coffee.

"By the look o' ya; you need it." He replied, chuckling and handing her the scalding drink. She immediately drank from the large styrofoam cup, almost emptying it.

"Badly." She replied after she swallowed, motioning for him to sit at a table with her. "You're a life saver." She looked at him strangely for a second, before smacking her head down onto the table, groaning.

"Y'alright there?" He asked while giving her a strange look, and sitting down.

"My life's messed up. I need'ta get pissed." She moaned in reply, before sitting up to drink her coffee. _A vampire just bought me coffee_, she thought to herself incredulously. "Where's a good bar?" She asked while meeting his gaze.

"If you wait ten minutes, I get off shift," he responded slyly, leaning back in his chair. "I can buy you a few rounds- enough to get'cha pissed."

"Flattering, really, but you might want to rethink that offer." She chuckled dryly. "it'll be quite a pretty penny." 'Rose' said while sipping on the cooling liquid.

"S'no problem, really." Mitchell responded. "I insist."

"Oh, you insist!" she laughed as she continued. "You're gonna regret that, lad." She said while shaking her head and smiling.

* * *

Once at the bar down the street from his flat, Mitchell realized what a mistake he'd made in offering to pay. 'Rose' had consumed many different shots of high concentration alcohol, a pint of ale, and three colorful concoctions within the first ten minutes.

"Jesus," he started, "Had I known you'd drink the whole fuckin' bar, I'd have brought a camera." He laughed as she spun on the bar stool quickly while sipping some kind of colorful- and _very_ strong- drink. He took a gulp of his own drink, feeling the burn of it down his throat. A few seconds passed before he felt the edges of his mind begin to go fuzzy.

"Ya should've taken my advice, laddy," she laughed before spinning again, her hair whipping out around her dress-clad body. She tried to stand up before she stumbled back onto the stool. "That wasn't a very good idea, was it?" She burst out into a fit of drunken giggles as she tried to stand again, her heels long forgotten on the floor.

"Where d'ya think you're goin'?" Mitchell asked as he grabbed her hand, pulling her back to the bar. 'Rose' stumbled into his chest from the force of his pull before laughing and pulling away.

"I, good sir, am going to one of those comfy looking booths, if you'd care to join me." She said while curtsying. Mitchell chuckled as he let the drunk woman lead him to an empty booth.

She moaned as she drank the last of the drink, pouting drunkenly- and cutely- before tipping the glass upside down to see if anything would come out. "Where'd it all go?" She asked while looking at the bottom of the glass.

Laughter shook Mitchell's body as he held his side, bending over the table to take the drink from her hands. "You drank it all." He said while patting her hand.

"Another one, then!" She said while moving to exit the booth.

"I think you've had enough, Rose." He said while pushing her shoulders down so she sat down.

"Rose," she snorted into the empty cup. "The fuck kind o' name is that?" She giggled before laying across the booth seat.

Mitchell watched her amusedly; she couldn't even remember her own name she was so drunk. "Okay, I think it's time to get you back home." He said while standing from the seat, and helping her sit up. She stumbled before picking up her long forgotten shoes. "You can't even remember your own name."

"I remember me name," she snorted in laughter while leaning against his side.

"Oh really?" He asked while pushing open the door to the bar and into the night. "What is it?" He asked while helping her walk.

"None of yer business!" She squealed as she leapt from his grasp, running up the street towards Mitchell's flat.

"Where're ya goin'?" He asked while speeding up to catch her.

"I, Mitchell, am goin' to me apartment to change out of this bloody fuckin' dress." 'Rose' responded as she walked to the apartment right across the street from Mitchell's. She reached under the doorstep and pulled out a rusty key, fumbling with the lock as she tried to open the door.

"You live here?" He asked. "I live across the street." He said, glancing back at his own apartment.

"Lived here for a couple a years," 'Rose' drawled as she finally got the key into the lock. She pushed the door open and pulled Mitchell in by his hands. "Wait here." She said as she stumbled up the steps into what, he assumed, was her room. He heard her singing a tune to herself, slightly off key, as a series of thumping sounded from up the stairs.

He laughed before going up the steps, calling out "Y'alright up there?" He reached the top of the steps and looked into the first room, seeing her slipping out of the bloody dress and exposing her undergarments to him. She was wearing a tight white corset with matching white lacy panties, a garter belt and stockings. Mitchell observed as she fumbled with the corset before shaking his head; It'd been a good twenty years since he'd seen someone wearing an actual garter belt and attached stockings.

"The fuck did I put that shirt?" She mumbled to herself as she fumbled with the corset they'd stuffed her in. "Too tight." She whined as she tried to undo the tight bindings. She stumbled into the dresser as her hands went to her back to undo the laces. She felt hands fiddling with the back of the corset before the remembered Mitchell was there.

"Why thank you, kind sir." She exclaimed as it fell loose around her torso. She eagerly ripped it off while keeping her back to him. He observed the scars on her back, briefly wondering where they were from as she pulled on a large cotton t-shirt. "Freedom!" She exclaimed, making Mitchell chuckle, while opening a drawer to what he saw was her underwear drawer. She messed around with the items before pulling out a pair of lacy underwear. She ripped the stockings, underwear, and garter belt off, not caring that Mitchell was watching, and slid them onto her pert bottom. Mitchell kept his eyes trained on her, enjoying her movements.

Mitchell drank in her appearance while she remained facing the other way. She turned around and smiled drunkenly at him. "You're my hero," she said while stumbling towards him. "You bought me all those drinks," she giggled before throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. She kissed up and down his neck as his arms wrapped loosely around her waist.

"I'm no hero," he said quietly, enjoying her treatment on his neck.

She pouted before saying, "But you haven't killed me yet, right?" Mitchell looked at her strangely before she continued. "I mean, most vampires that I've encountered try to kill me as soon as they see me." She mumbled to herself.

Mitchell stared, open mouthed at her. "What?" He asked while grabbing her arm. "What did you just say?" He clarified as he studied her face.

"Ouch, let go!" She shouted as she tried to pull away.

"What. Did. You. Just. Say." He asked again, pronouncing each word as a growl.

"I knew I shouldn't have trusted you! You're with Them, aren't you!" She asked in a panic, pulling away more desperately than before. She looked around the room, looking for anything to help her out before looking back up to Mitchell.

"How did you know I was a vampire?" He ground out, grabbing her other arm as well, making her face him.

"Please don't make me go back- please!" She cried out as tears fell from her eyes. Her knees wobbled and collapsed as Mitchell let go of her arms, dark red marks showing the force of his grip. "Please," she begged in a mantra, curling her arms around her knees and rocking herself.

He kneeled in front of her before pulling her shivering body onto his lap. _I'll ask her later_, he thought to himself as he rocked her crying form. She hiccuped and dug her head into his neck, making the skin wet with her tears.

"They'll kill me," she sobbed, "Please don't make me." She pulled away from his neck before looking up at him. "I'll do anything," she met his eyes, and he looked at her warily. "You've got nice lips." She stated, staring at said body part. She reached a hand up, slowly tracing his bottom lip with her thumb.

"Just tell me your name- your _real_ name." He said, grabbing her hand gently with his own.

"I can't," she said, eyes trained on his lips. "I wish I could." She stated as she met his eyes, tears leaking from her eyes again.

"How did you know?" Mitchell asked, holding her wet face gently in his hands. His thumbs wiped at the steady rivulets of tears.

"Do you promise not to let them get me?" She asked with desperation leaking into her voice.

"Let who get you?" He asked, "I can't help you if you don't tell me."

"I can't, Mitchell." 'Rose' bit her bottom lip with her teeth, gently gnawing as she hiccuped. "Just promise me," she said, grabbing his hands from her face and leaning closer to him. "Promise me."

Looking at her warily, Mitchell sighed and responded, "I promise." He studied her tear stained face as she closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his own. She took deep breaths, her face flushing and her skin getting clammy.

"I'm gonna be sick," she moaned as she scrambled from the floor of her room to the hallway bathroom. Mitchell listened as 'Rose' wretched into the toilet. He stood from his sitting position, peeking into the hall bathroom to see her passed out on the ground next to the toilet. Shaking his head, he picked her up and carried her to her room, and placing her on the bed. He pulled the covers over her body and left the house, knowing he would see her at the hospital tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry it took so long!**

**- Kate Xx**

Adelaide woke up with a pounding headache ripping through her foggy mind. She stripped form her night clothes and stood in the freezing cold water of the shower, forcing herself to wake up. After getting out, Adelaide dried herself and changed into suitable clothing for the outside world; she wore a plain white t-shirt, light jeans, furry moccasins, and a large green coat that was lined with cream fur on the inside.  
Coffee and biscuits were balanced in her hand as she fished through her coat pocket for keys to her motorcycle. She quickly locked the front door and hopped onto the machine before driving off towards the hospital. After parking in the visitor center, Adelaide walked quickly through the hallways to the ICU where her friend Aiden had been placed after the emergency surgery he'd endured. She sat in the chair next to his bed, holding his hand and stroking his short hair in a motherly fashion.  
After a while he woke up, groaning out her name.  
"Addy..."  
"Hey Aiden, hey," she cooed, "I'm right here."  
"Adelaide..." He said again as he started coughing. His coughing started to turn into full body convulsions and blood started spewing from his mouth.  
"Ná fág mé, le do thoil!" She screamed as she held his shoulders down. "Fuck!" She screamed.  
Mitchell, who had been down the hallway looking for her, heard the commotion and ran to the room.  
"What's wrong?" He asked quickly, holding Aiden's shoulders down from the other side of the bed.  
"He's dying." She said as she pushed him down farther. He went to press the call button but she reached across the body to stop him. "Don't." She said desperately.  
"Can you keep a secret?" She asked the man across from her, looking up and meeting his green eyes. "Of course you can; you're a vampire." She muttered to herself before she closed her eyes and opened them again, the original bluish green turning bright purple. She spoke underneath her breath, "Bandia cneasaigh tú." Mitchell stared at her, startled, as the man stopped writhing beneath their arms.  
"The fuck?" He asked, taking his arms away from the now stable body. "What are you?" He asked curiously.  
"We are called many things: Pavee, Gypsies, Witches..." She spoke carefully as she sat tiredly in the bedside chair.  
"Come home with me?" Mitchell asked.  
She looked at Mitchell with her expression deadpan.  
"You don't even know my name." She said with her thick Irish accent.  
"Well, I know it isn't Rose."  
Adelaide sighed, rubbing the back of her neck as she glanced at the unconscious body. "My name's Adelaide."  
"Alright, Adelaide, lets go grab my friend and have a chit chat at my house, okay?"

* * *

"Mitchell!" George whined as he paced the living room. "How could you be so careless!"  
"I wasn't careless," Mitchell hissed, grabbing a cup of water and filling it with cold water. "She told me!"  
"It'll be fine, George." Annie tried to sooth him, handing him a cup of tea.  
"Oh no," George cried, his hands running through his hair rapidly. "What if she tells?"  
"She won't!" Mitchell groaned, knocking back the water and sitting down on the couch. He had told Adelaide to meet him at his apartment when she got home. Hopefully, she would show up. As George went to respond angrily, a knocking at the door halted his speech.  
"I'll get it," Annie said, walking cautiously to the door. After waiting a moment with her hand hovering over the handle, Annie pulled the door open to see the startlingly pretty girl standing outside the door. Her brown hair was pulled into a loose pony tail, small locks falling out and framing her face gently. Her plump lips were twisted into a nervous frown, and her bright eyes studied Annie briefly before she sent a forced smile her way.  
"Nice ta' meet ya," Adelaide said curtly, following Annie's instructions to come inside.  
"Would you like a cup of tea?" Annie asked courteously.  
"Coffee'd be great." Adelaide sighed, walking farther into the living room to see Mitchell sitting on the couch and a man standing rigidly in front of it. She blinked slowly before opening her mouth to speak. "Hi."  
"Come sit." Mitchell said, motioning to the seat across from him. Adelaide sighed as she complied, crossing her legs and fidgeting with her necklace. George twitched as he fought the urge to pace. "Could ya' please tell George, here, that you'll keep our secret?"  
"Why would I tell?" Adelaide asked, her legs uncrossing as she leaned forward. "If I told, you could tell my secret, and then we'd all be in the shitter."  
"Well, yeah," George stuttered, pointing a finger at her as he searched his brain for words to say. "But-"  
"Listen," Adelaide started with a deep sigh, running a hand through the hair that was out of the pony tail. "I'm not gonna risk tellin' yer secret, because then I'm at risk of you tellin' mine, and I'm currently trying to cover my ass." She leaned her elbows on her knees, lacing her fingers together. "Ye don't need ta worry 'bout me. I'll stay out of yer hair."  
"Well, Adelaide," Mitchell started to speak only to be cut off by her.  
"Addy." She insisted, accepting the steaming cup of coffee that was offered to her by Annie, who smiled and nodded at the girl. "Thank ya, lass."  
"Addy," he continued, holding his hands out in front of him. "We want to help ya hide from whoever it is yer hidin' from, but ya need to tell us who it is."  
"Don't worry about it." Addy implored, taking a sip of the coffee before setting it down on a coaster on the side table. "What hunts me is none of her concern."  
"But we can help you." Annie reasoned, sitting next to Mitchell.  
"Yer only gonna get killed." Addy shook her head, her mind firmly set against accept assistance in he troubles. "I'm beggin' ya, stay out of it. I'll keep yer secret, you'll do the same fer me, that's the end of that." She said with finality, standing from her spot on the chair. "Thank ya fer yer time, and fer the coffee. I've come to say what I needed to, and now I need to go. It was nice meetin' ya." Addy stood, walking briskly to the door and slamming it shut as she left.  
"Well, shit." Mitchell groaned as he threw his head back onto the couch, running his hands through his hair roughly.

* * *

Addy ran her hands through Aiden's hair, her fingers tangling in the light brown locks. She thought back to when she first met him.  
She had been shackled in a cell-like room at a rundown medical facility, starved to the point of hallucinations when he had been thrown in. She had reacted immediately; shuffling into the corner and whimpering out of fear of being taken for testing. The man holding him chained the boy quickly, though, leaving her trembling in a the boy didn't get up, she stopped moving and stared at the trembling body. Her chains clanked as she reached a hand out to him, recognizing him as a fellow prisoner.  
"H-hey," she croaked, crawling on her hands and knees towards the boy. "Hey!" She called, her fingertips barely grazing his elbow before his body jerked away from her. He groaned once, curling up on himself and shivering. "Kid," she tried again, this time tapping the ground near him to make him feel less threatened by her. "I can help ya, just let me help." She begged.  
The shackles around her feet were created by magic to stop the use of magic. When the wearer attempted magic, they were shocked with a minor surge of witch fire, which shocked them and made them feel drained and delirious, causing them to stop trying to free themselves. Having been in the 'cage', as she liked to call it, for a year, Addy had been able to figure out her personal limitations with the shackles on her. She had tested how far she could push herself before being completely drained.  
"Why, mommy?" The boy cried, curling up even tighter on himself. His body shook with sobs as he wailed, Addy's hand falling just short of him.  
"Let me help you," Addy begged, stretching herself against the shackles as she reached for him, just barely reaching his elbow. "Please, I can help!"  
"Mommy!" The boy screamed, his body glowing an eery blue before the purple spurts of witch fire coursed through his body, making him convulse and scream as the electricity went through him.  
"Please!" Addy implored, grabbing him by the elbow and pulling him towards herself. The boy cried out, trying to get away from her hands, afraid that she would hurt him. She wrapped him in her arms, sending a wave of calm energy through him. The boy stopped sobbing as she felt a shock of witch fire being sent through her shackles. The boy curled into her heat, crying not Addy's neck as she fought against the urge to spasm from the electricity. Rubbing a soothing hand over his back, and shedding a few tears herself. She had felt just like him when her parents had sold her.  
"Yer okay," she hiccuped, holding the boy close to her chest and sending another calming wave of energy over him, taking away a little bit of his pain from the witch fire. She clenched her teeth as she ran a hand through his curly hair. "I've got you," Addy placed a kiss on his forehead, tucking his head into her neck as she rocked him back and forth, waiting for him to calm down.  
"What's yer name, lad?" She asked when his sobs had subsided and hiccups had taken their place. He waited a few moments before whispering against her neck, a name she would hold close to her heart for years.  
"Aiden."

* * *

"Hey there," Addy cooed as Aiden woke up, his body shifting from his uncomfortable position.  
"Addy?" He asked, his eyes cracking open and blinking rapidly against the harsh hospital lights. Addy sent him a blindingly bright smile as she pushed his hair back the way she used to when he was younger. He leaned into her touch instinctually, nuzzling her palm when it rested on his cheek.  
"The one an' only," she said as she pinched him on the cheek. "Yer still sick, so I'll let ya heal before I kill ya."  
"No," he groaned, rolling his head away from her touch and cringing as she let out a boisterous laugh.  
"Yer a fuckin' idjit," Addy said lovingly.  
"I saved your life," Aiden pointed out, cocking an eyebrow at her.  
"And put yerself back on their radar," Addy countered, pointing a finger at him as she took a bite of her apple, leaning back in her chair.  
"You're free because of it!" He nearly screamed. Addy shook her head as she stood up from her position in the chair.  
"And ya think I'm not grateful of that?" She yelled, throwing her hands out in the air motioning around her. Their yelling had caught Mitchell's attention, who had been cleaning the hallway. He leaned outside the door, listening on their convention and hoping to find something out about the witch. "Look," Addy growled, her jaw locking as she fought against the urge to scream. "I'm not sayin' t'at I don't appreciate what ya did for me, lad. I'm not sayin' I wouldn't do the same for ya. I'm sayin' that if it would kept ya safe, I would 'ave been okay wit' it."  
"Okay with being sold into slavery?" He asked sardonically, his eyes rolling nearly to the back of his head. "You'd fight tooth and nail every single day to get out."  
"Not if they left ya alone!" Addy yelled, slamming her hands down onto the bed and making a fierce wind blow through the room, her eyes shining purple for a moment before she closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself. "Yer all I have left in this world, lad, and I'd do any'ting to keep ya safe- includin' gettin' married to that prick. I would do any'ting to protect you, and you know that."  
"Then why can't you accept that I would do the same for you? I got you out of there-"  
"And ya almost died!" Addy hissed, clenching her fist as she turned her head from him so he wouldn't see her welling eyes. "I barely got tha both of us out of there, boy. Ye will not risk yer life like that again, ye hear?"  
"I can-" Aiden started sitting up, grimacing at the pain. Addy pushed him down forcefully.  
"Do me this little thing, please. I've done so much for ya, and I will give you everyt'ing I have, but just please," Addy begged. "Please just do as I ask fer once."  
Seeing the pain on her face and the tears building in her eyes, Aiden had no choice but to agree. Addy had only looked that way once, and that was when the Syndicate had threatened to kill Aiden had she not cooperated with their testing.  
Outside, Mitchell bit his tongue as he listened to the argument. There was so much that he was missing, and he was dying to know the rest. Hearing Addy sit back down again, the argument clearly over, he went back to cleaning and pretending he hadn't just heard the personal conversation.


End file.
